As the days go by, sometimes I wonder how I do it. How the heck do I work from 5pm to 1:30am every day? How the heck do I manage to always have enough for rent and food and school? How the heck am I taking like 17 credits every semester? How the heck do I somehow manage to have a social life (kind of)? How the heck am I still alive?
Yet none of those things really matter.
Yes, I want a good job. Yes, I want to have great friends to hang out with. Yes, I realize that the choices I am making now will help me to find a better future. However, those are not the things that I find important every day when I wake up.
I am a thinker. One of my strengths is actually intellection. This basically means that I enjoy thinking about things and I can never have nothing on my mind. It helps me think things through when I am making decisions and it keeps me busy at all times, because I always have time to think in my mind. This also means I have an unlimited amount of time to worry, and let me tell you, I worry.
I worry that I won't ever accomplish my career goals. I worry that I will not make enough time for friends. I worry that I will not be able to make it next month. I worry that one of these days, I'm going to crash and it's going to hit me like a million bricks all at once.
But none of those things worry me more than my family.
One person in my family in particular is my best friend in the whole wide world. You may know who I am talking about because I have written about them before. They worry constantly about life and about the things they hear...both out loud and inside their heads. Because when someone tells you that your hair looks weird today, you can brush that off and keep moving forward. But when someone tells you that they can't imagine anyone loving you, that tends to leave a mark. When someone tells you that you are worthless time and time again, that sticks. Because we are human, and we want to be accepted. When we are not accepted, we try harder and harder to change that. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, some people will never accept you.
Hatred and anger have led people to do some terrible things. Hatred and anger have caused so much sadness and misery. Hatred and anger have caused years of worry.
"How old are you?" is a constant question in my world, to which I often respond "Guess."
What is the usual response? "Probably 22.." "I'm guessing 24." "When I first met you, I thought 25."
"I'm only 19."
Some people will never know the impact they have on others. Sometimes, they know and they don't want to admit that they could have caused a change in someone that defines how they grew up. Sometimes they know and will never accept that it's their fault. Because having to look someone in the eyes and apologize for the years of hatred and anger that aged someone to be older than they are... having to look someone in the eyes and apologize for the hurt inflicted over the countless days... is not worth it.
So let me ask you: What is it worth?
Because I would give every penny in my name to my family. I would fight to the ends of the earth for my family. I would give every last breath I have to my family. I would give every drop of blood in my body to my family. Because they matter more than the world and more than my own life to me.
My family is worth the fight.
"The hammer that breaks glass can also forge steel."
I am a woman of steel, and there is nothing that can tell me otherwise. Why?
I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, who loves me. And I love him.
And every day, that's what makes everything worth it.
And every day, that's what makes everything worth it.
Diana Laura Peck
